The Repository of Scorn

Who The Fuck Is Timothy Olyphant?

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Apparently FX Network has given “carte blanche” to the creative team behind these ads for the new show Justified. Which are appearing everywhere at the moment. In each instance exclaiming, “this is the new show starring… TIMOTHY OLYPHANT!”

Who? Is that even a marquee name? Because in all the video clips we’ve seen for the show, the main character is one of the unfortunately named “Stults” brothers, from the TV show 7th Heaven.

Geoff Stults

George Stults

We’re not even going to get into, “Hey, is that Jason Patric is the above clip?” Who’s been pretty much MIA since blowing his Speed 2 paycheck on producing Your Friends and Neighbors. So it’s possible he’s in it.

Maybe the Stults brothers are hiding behind a pseudonym, cribbed from some Victorian novel on the Elephant Man.

Olyphant on IMDB

Plus, what type of name is “Timothy” in the year 2010?

“Hi, I’d like you meet my friend Timothy.”

Even the most pathetic pop-culture figures are called something like “Tiny Tim,” or “Little Timmy.” Not even total sissies stoop to the flouncy phonetics of being called “Timothy.” And what the fuck is Olyphant? Has Hollywood totally eschewed the idea of a having a showbiz name? Clint Eastwood. That’s a fucking name. Timothy Olyphant? Sounds like some food-grade chemical additive.

But the name is prominently shot at you. Like it means something. Does it? Or is brand name cache something that’s passe nowadays? Has “the Mac guy” and the random, French speaking people in the opposing Microsoft ads created a “post-celebrity” era of advertising?

So let’s take a look at his credits… Maybe we just aren’t familiar with who he is.

Oh wow! You mean, THE Timothy Olyphant from Samantha Who? Wow. Shit, put his name in a huge font size and be sure to blast it top and center. Make sure that with this digital campaign, we see his name plastered everywhere. The public needs to get Olyphantitis, after seeing this!

(Imagine the photoshopped image we could place here)

Wait. What’s that? We have the wrong actor from 7th Heaven? You’re saying he looks more like Jessica Biel’s brother.

Olyphant on IMDB

"The Brother"

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