To help with your New Year weight loss resolutions… Ad Age decided to throw some vomit-inducing terms at you today -- “New Media Chatter,” “Trending Topics” and “Microblogging.” Great! All in the same piece explaining how completely random Coke and McDonald’s campaigns are somehow credited with Avatar’s box-office success. Let’s review…

On one level it was fun to hear that David Brent marketing speak again, years after The Office (UK) stopped making new episodes. It was also hysterical to see Ad Age credit non-existent Coke Zero for Avatar’s success. A brand we similarly haven’t seen around in years. Best of all though, are the totally random McDonald’s TV spots that are supposed be  “tie ins,” with the following winning copy…

“Experience a movie like no other, with a taste like no other.”

After watching the 70-minute YouTube searing of the The Phantom Menace, it became clear that Avatar isn’t exactly like “no other.” It’s essentially the new Phantom Menace, in that it should take about another 10 years before the media or anyone else can admit it sucks.

To counter the proposition that Avatar’s marketing budget of $150 million was well used in generating “new-media chatter,” we’d like to offer the following rebuttal…

You are full of shit!

$150 million budgeted to advertise a sure thing? The Phantom Menace is famous for barely doing any promotion! Why would they? The CGI FX are basically screensavers, the story is ludicrously poor and the wooden acting doesn’t help. So the less shown, the better. In that the director has a big fanboy posse that could only be dissuaded with awful previews… So coincidentally Fox’s marketing execs chime in with the same, “hide it under the rug” marketing mentality in not showing any clips of this CGI wonder-fest with the great line -- “We consciously held back, because this isn’t a movie you want to start being too loud about too early on.” Where better to hide $150 million than on soft-drinks that aren’t on shelves and the soft co-branding of “Umm, this burger is kinda like the movie. In that we won’t show you what’s in either one.” (Lungs actually. Fast food is ground beef mixed with organ meat, blood and slurry -- but 100% beef.)

For future reference on how brands are generating social-media chatter, without wasting $150,000,000 dollars -- we want to point out this new thing. NYC socialites are available to attend your event. Their famous last names are proven to generate Page Six, photoblog and gossip column mentions. Also teenage girls sitting around, looking for style tips on looking famous.

Thankfully, the lax professions of “model” / “actor” / “jewelry designer” -- have allowed the affluent of Manhattan to have time for a new vocation -- “DJ.” For a mere $2,000 to $10,000 dollars, you can hire the leggy, blonde daughter of Keith Richards or the 21-year old spawn of the woman who directed It’s Complicated, Hallie Meyers-Shyer. I mean really… Who gives a shit about that photo you took with the Dalia Lama at the $10,000-a-plate fundraiser? Instead, you could be barfing on Meyers-Shyer and saying stuff like, “…oh. Sorry. I just recalled that awful commercial where Alec Baldwin praises Meryl Streep’s lack of a bikini wax. Tell your Mom I said ‘Hi.’”

If you’re lucky, maybe the ever-present fixture of Waris will show up. He’s famous for hanging with socialites and the kids of other famous people, at private clubs all around town. Following this route, he met Wes Anderson back when Wes and Jimmy Fallon were dating the same girl… So you’ve seen his face in Anderson movies.

You can ring Rachid Kallamni Management to get any of the above bloggable names to hit your party -- for a fee. Even Joe Biden’s nephew is available to iPod DJ. Though, I’d ask for a reduced rate for anything that’s more than one-generation removed.

Now… to check the indexed ranking of your party photo hired-gun, visit FameGame.com. It’s basically a bot that scans blogs and party photos sites -  and instead of boring “metrics,” gives you important information… Like the last-name caliber of the socialites they’re seen with, what B-list celeb they stood next to on the red carpet photo op and what invite lists they’re on… Let’s check Mr. Waris

So now the advertising vocabulary is changed. Whenever you read of stunts being pulled off to generate new-media chatter you can just say -- “What? Six months and thousands spent to basically do the equivalent of getting Waris to show up at your event? That’s great.” From now on, the term “Equivalent of Waris” enters the ad lexicon.

FOOTNOTES

1. $150 Mil Gone Where? -- Ad Age

2. So Called McDonald’s “Tie-In”

3. 70-min YouTube Phantom Menace Review

4. Socialite DJs -- W Magazine

5. Waris -- FameGame.com

Tags: AVATAR, FameGame.com, Metrics, Phantom Menace, Stunts
Posted in: General